I didn't set out to be a mom to many, really, I didn't. After I had my first son and the epidural didn't work, I was pretty sure one kid, biologically, was quite enough, thank you very much. Oh, yes, and why exactly is it that when epidurals are discussed, the possibility of them failing isn't brought up until after you are pregnant or worse yet, in labor?
I wasn't ever planning on one child. You see, I already had three. Two beautiful little girls and now my son, Tristan. My daughters, were placed with me when I was pregnant with T and I worried that I would never love him as much as them. They held my heart so tightly in their precious little hands. Destiney and Heaven....when I first held them they felt like both. My destiny and heaven here on earth. I wanted to be a foster parent for such a long time and worked relentlessly to make that dream a reality. As much as one can long for something at the age of 23, this was it for me. No going out, no chasing boys. I was going to save the world, one child at a time. Then I met these two little girls and the world suddenly rotated around them. I was blessed beyond measure, I loved them more than I loved anyone even myself. Truly. Many don't know this part of our story. It is part of my heart, a broken, shattered piece. It travels with them wherever they go. For they are not with me. Tears, big ones and many, accompany that part of my tale. I keep those precious memories close, so close for they are a part of me. One that I am very selfish with, for I don't like to share anymore than I have already. My all.
When Tristan was a mere 9 months old, I took a pregnancy test and the second line appeared. I was certain that being on the Depo Shot must cause a false positive. After all, it was a hormone that fooled your body into thinking it already was pregnant, therefore, there was no possible way I could be pregnant, right? The pamphlet I read said 99.98% effective so once again, no possible way. I called the Dr. just to be sure my logic was sound, only to hear her say, "Congratulations, dear." What? Ummm, wait just one stinkin' minute. Do you really think I was bearing my behind for a SHOT just for fun? I am terrified of needles. The mere thought of them makes my palms sweaty. All she could do was chuckle. We have since changed physicians. Well, okay, it was because our health insurance changed, but it worked in nicely to my storyline. Don't you think?
When I had AubreyAnna it was as close to a pain-free birth as one could get. I was surrounded by those I loved and it didn't hurt. I laughed and then I cried when I saw the dark haired beauty they handed to me. Awww, she was so cute and she was the best baby EVER. Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention that Tristan had some major issues with colic, reflux, and a few episodes with seizures at 2 and 4 months old just to keep me on my toes. But, AubreyAnna made those Gerber commercials look bad. I know I'm not just being one of "those" moms because I can also freely admit that Tristan was beat with an ugly stick as a newborn....badly. His orange-ish hair and cone head did nothing to distract from those blotchy purplish, red splotches all over his poor little swollen face. So, see when I say Aubrey was beautiful, well, I am brutally honest...and I never thought newborns were at all cute.
So we finally had a beautiful daughter and by then, thank Heaven, a darling son. Perfect American family of four. Picture it, savor it, 'cause it certainly didn't last for long and honestly, I am glad. I would have missed so much had that been the end of our story.
Aubrey tricked me. Oh, yes, that baby did. I wanted another baby just like her. A sister. And another daughter I set out to have. This was our one and only planned pregnancy and it very much resembled the first. In. every. way. I was sick and had two little ones to chase after. It would be worth it, all of it for another daughter. Well, I got my little girl. After five tries, they called in the IV team to get me started. Then after five tries at getting the epidural in place it worked....sort of. When Brenna was born she screamed for an hour just to let everyone know she had arrived and believe me when she is in the room today, you'll know it. Darling little princess. Brenna is unique. Not in a bad way....most of the time.
Now why oh, why would we ever think of adding to our melee? We were done. No more babies, ever. In fact, this time I wasn't messing around with a shot or a pill. Oh, no. This time I took Jason to the Dr with me and had HIM snipped while I watched and asked the Dr if he needed to do it twice just to make sure. No more babies....EVER. That statement brings tears to my eyes. How sad that I truly felt that way. Ladies, when God has a plan for you, one that is bigger than any 99.99% believe me when I say, "It will happen." We may not always understand "how", "why" or in many cases, most importantly "when."
Now for the dreaded line....."To be continued"